Layers
Am I using my full voice under all of this?
I remember reading Anne Frank’s diary in high school. The entire story seemed so removed from my late ‘80s rural New Mexican life and I couldn’t understand the general themes concretely - it made no sense to me why people would hate other people and my goodness! Wasn’t it great that that was so far in the past and I never needed to worry about it? I was such a tree-hugging pacifist and so very sheltered. Right and wrong seemed very plain, to me, that history from the then very much not distant past was hard to comprehend.
But.
I am outspoken. I want to say I wasn’t always like this? I have in my mind a version of me that was quieter, more timid, but sometimes I think that I am making that up, somehow. Because I can see me blurting things in grade school, high school, college…I’m not sure. I fear I’ve always been outspoken and my mind has tricked me into believing it was something I’ve become and not just something I inherently am. Is that so I can believe I can grow and change and shed this once and for all? Maybe. It’s definitely the trait of mine that has been held against me the most, cited more than anything at the end of relationships or opportunities. It’s what is held over my head, on my head, to keep me down. It’s the most talked about attribute at therapy.
However.
The world currently is too much. And is everything I’ve been too outspoken over has come to fruition. It’s painful to watch. And as I watch, my reading of Anne Frank in high school comes to mind and I wonder what kind of person I really am. Reading Anne Frank in high school started me on a general dislike of literature centered around the Second World War. I eschewed it - eschew it - out of hand and always, no matter what the frame it was in. Have I read enough to understand what is currently happening? Am I brave? Outspoken on the atrocities…enough? I don’t think there is anyone who doesn’t know what side I’m on. I don’t think there will be any mistaking me for one who stood with this illegal and immoral administration. I don’t think…but then I don’t think I was always outspoken, either, a belief that is most likely wrong. And I know I don’t have the courage in my entire body that many people possess in spades in their pinkies. I want to be courageous, so badly, but I just don’t know if I am. I’m a midnight blue dot in a sea of purples and reds.
“The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crisis maintain their neutrality” (Dante Alighieri)
This has all been swirling in my head as I try to take stock of who I really am. Because it seems, as I slog ever deeper into my 50s, I’m not really sure of that answer. And this midlife reckoning of self-colliding with our Constitutional crisis is messing with my head and each and every belief I’ve ever held is being tumbled and either smoothed or tossed. The proverbial “am I enough” taking up more and richer meaning. The side-eye on mid-century cruelty coming into front and centered focus, no longer waiting patiently for me to care.
Dear sweet friend, First of all you are enough. The outside world constantly tells us we are not, however, we are. It’s a matter of looking at yourself and seeing your worth FOR YOU. That the only person who matters then go from there. Outspokenness is a blessing few of us have but would want. It’s unique and gives the rest of us something to stand behind. Unfortunately the outspoken bare the onslaught of arrows directed at them. But we forget that those arrows are not flown at the person but the archer’s own fear. You and enough and will always be thus. Thank you for posting this and giving the world a chance to stand up and be the outspoken. The current times are concerning, (to say the least), but we still need to say our piece and let it be taken or not. Dante was correct-neutrality will bring us to Hell. Love and kisses always.